By Mitya Indursky
In reality, we are so badly divided that the good news is going away rather than coming in. They aren’t like December-speedy Santa, people created to sweeten the bitter pill of surviving another “glorious” year. Thus, pretending to be amused, when receiving NORAD’s daily updates of the Old Man’s movements.
He’ll be here on time, thanks to Rudolph’s facelift and upgraded engine, the media yells into our ears, alerting Budweiser and Mercedes to take their “horses” out of the stalls. Succeed in squeezing one of them into a Christmas stocking, and I’ll consider it a real miracle!
I’m still surprised that either the NYTimes and MSNBC or Fox and the NY Post aren’t planning to send a crew to the North Pole to make an in depth report about Santa’s political preferences and code of behavior!
The newsworthy journey should result in a criminal case of immense proportions based on politically popular accusations of corruption; racism; pro-life or pro-choice; pro-gun or anti-gun stances; or an unlawful denial or an unlawful promotion of prosperity for all.
The updated and upgraded Rudolph will become a whistleblower accusing the Old Man of all manner of Heavenly and Earthly sins, simply because the buck is dead tired of carrying the load of crap, no deer is made to withstand.
What will happen afterwards is quite predictable. The NORAD will send the jet fighters to force the Holy carriage land in D.C.
The “Man” and his unruly Deer will be separated. Santa will be placed under house arrest in the WH basement, and forced to take polygraph and truth serum simultaneously twice a day.
The sleigh will be shipped to Area 51 for re-engineering, and Rudolph will start his endless journey on Capitol Hill.
The Holy Buck will be greeted and grilled by members of numerous committees, whose knowledge of deer existence is limited to Bambi’s tear squeezing hardship. Giving the gravity of the matter, the inquest will take place behind close doors.
The media will be relentless in covering the story, the WH will be forced to react, the people on the streets and in bars will go into verbal fights supporting either side.
The newly formed joint House and Senate investigation committee Representatives will be sent to the North Pole to further witnesses (such as seals, penguins and polar bears) to either confirm or deny the crimes committed by Santa.
After years of bitter political fights and endless deliberations taking place while the power shifted from one political party to another, the stalemate would be declared. As a result of it, both Santa and Rudolph will be released into the wilderness.
When relatively far away from us, they would use social media to announce that they aren’t planning to come back to our shores anytime soon.
Both political parties and their unbiased press will start pointing fingers at each other, accusing opponents of either “cancelling” the holiday duo forever or letting the criminal Santa escape!
Some insisted that Rudolph’s buck hood is in danger, because “only G-d knows, what vicious Santa would do to the deer.” To support the claim, unverified photos of Santa’s antlers collection are circulated on the web.
Another group of profound thoughts was trying to convince vulnerable citizens that Rudolph is phony. It posted questionable evidence that the buck was really a doe, and changed sex during the teenage years. After the terminated abortion that was performed by G-dless doctors in upstate NY.
The Pentagon was the only silent party amidst political mayhem, despite numerous witnesses’ reports of illuminated sleighs in the skies over Nevada…
…We are blanketed by the idiocy of our own making, still struggling to understand that the politicians are exploiting our weaknesses to the full extent of their abilities.
Nowadays it’s rather easy than complicated, considering that a good half of the country is using a Holy Book as a daily guidance, and another half has the quotes from Campanella’s The City Of the Sun inscribed on their foreheads.
It looks like the only difficult, if not impossible task is to find a significant group of charismatic people, who can help us find a compromise, thus stirring the good news towards us, but not away.